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What's on my mind? Have a look and see...but I'm warning you it could be frightening!
Wednesday, March 17, 2004
Gotta' love the Irish...
Yay St. Patty's Day!!!! It's 3:00p.m. and I've been drunk since 12:00...This feels like the start of a great day...I spent most of the morning sitting with Jamie in the Steele Centre which was nice, now in half an hour Jimmy, (a friend of Shannon's and I guy I met at the bar Monday night) is picking us up and we are going to McThirsty's for dinner...then it's off to Clancys and the the log cabin...oh what a day it will be!!!
Yay St. Patty's Day!!!! It's 3:00p.m. and I've been drunk since 12:00...This feels like the start of a great day...I spent most of the morning sitting with Jamie in the Steele Centre which was nice, now in half an hour Jimmy, (a friend of Shannon's and I guy I met at the bar Monday night) is picking us up and we are going to McThirsty's for dinner...then it's off to Clancys and the the log cabin...oh what a day it will be!!!
Monday, March 15, 2004
No I didn't commit suicide...
Ok, so I know it's been almost a week and some of you are wondering if I managed to survive after my awful day last week. Well I did and I'm feeling much better now. I've told my parents that I want to change programs and they were pretty supportive...I have now officially applied to the Rec. and Leisure Program for next year and hopefully I will be happier there...Now I just have to make it through the rest of this year...Other than the first couple of days the rest of last week was pretty good...Wednesday I was back to my old self and Shannon, Ryan and Malcolm came over to watch a movie...School of Rock...May I just say, awsome movie! Anyway it was nice to have my friends around again and just chill out. Shannon spent the night and everything was just perfect. Thursday was nothing exciting at school and work was absolutely dead which I've probably said before I don't mind...Friday I went home...I must say I don't mind driving long distances alone, it gives me time to think, I don't feel obligated to make conversation and I can sing along to the radio as loud as I want without annoying anyone no matter how bad I am... :) Saturday was Rob's Buck and Doe which was quite fun and then Sunday was back to Peterborough...I spent the night sitting in my chair watching TV and wishing I had someone around cause I was bored out of my skull...So anyway that has been my past week...now I'm looking forward to St. Patty's Day and partying it up with Shannon and then JF dance on Saturday night!!! Man life doesn't get any better than this!!!
Ok, so I know it's been almost a week and some of you are wondering if I managed to survive after my awful day last week. Well I did and I'm feeling much better now. I've told my parents that I want to change programs and they were pretty supportive...I have now officially applied to the Rec. and Leisure Program for next year and hopefully I will be happier there...Now I just have to make it through the rest of this year...Other than the first couple of days the rest of last week was pretty good...Wednesday I was back to my old self and Shannon, Ryan and Malcolm came over to watch a movie...School of Rock...May I just say, awsome movie! Anyway it was nice to have my friends around again and just chill out. Shannon spent the night and everything was just perfect. Thursday was nothing exciting at school and work was absolutely dead which I've probably said before I don't mind...Friday I went home...I must say I don't mind driving long distances alone, it gives me time to think, I don't feel obligated to make conversation and I can sing along to the radio as loud as I want without annoying anyone no matter how bad I am... :) Saturday was Rob's Buck and Doe which was quite fun and then Sunday was back to Peterborough...I spent the night sitting in my chair watching TV and wishing I had someone around cause I was bored out of my skull...So anyway that has been my past week...now I'm looking forward to St. Patty's Day and partying it up with Shannon and then JF dance on Saturday night!!! Man life doesn't get any better than this!!!
Tuesday, March 09, 2004
Depressed...
A rare thing has happened the past couple of days...I've found that I'm just not myself, I'm depressed and in an awful mood...Now those of you that know me know that this is not like me at all...You know that I am rerely in a bad mood and always like to look on the bright side of things...Not today, today I am jst sad and I think that's the best word I can use...Maybe it's because I'm sick, I don't know...I think that I've found it hard to come back to reality after having such an awsome weekend...I wish every day could be a JF event...So now I sit here once again in the computer lab, trying to find motivation to do work but not succeeding in the slightest...This is shaping up to be one tough week...Hopefully I'll feel better after my appointment with Hillary the school's counsellor today...Hopefully I'll be able to get out of this rut...I hate feeling like this, like every moment I want to cry...All I want to do is go to bed and sleep and stay there until school is over...I'm burnt out and uninspired...What will tomorrow bring?
A rare thing has happened the past couple of days...I've found that I'm just not myself, I'm depressed and in an awful mood...Now those of you that know me know that this is not like me at all...You know that I am rerely in a bad mood and always like to look on the bright side of things...Not today, today I am jst sad and I think that's the best word I can use...Maybe it's because I'm sick, I don't know...I think that I've found it hard to come back to reality after having such an awsome weekend...I wish every day could be a JF event...So now I sit here once again in the computer lab, trying to find motivation to do work but not succeeding in the slightest...This is shaping up to be one tough week...Hopefully I'll feel better after my appointment with Hillary the school's counsellor today...Hopefully I'll be able to get out of this rut...I hate feeling like this, like every moment I want to cry...All I want to do is go to bed and sleep and stay there until school is over...I'm burnt out and uninspired...What will tomorrow bring?
Sunday, March 07, 2004
A change of career path...???
The more I sit and think, the more I ask myslelf, "Is computer networking what I really want to do?" and the more I ask myself that question the more I feel like the answer is no, not necessarily because the answer is no, but because the answer is not yes...I think that whatever you do in life there should be no question of whether or not that is what you want to be doing. So now the question is, what to do now? I have never failed at anything when it comes to my education, I won't allow it. I know that changing my mind isn't failing but it still feels like quitting which is just as bad. I feel like I've wasted a year and I'm afraid to tell my parents because that also means that I've wasted a year of their money...this is what is going to make it difficult to tell them what I think I have decided. I will finish this year, then next year I will be switching to the Rec. and Leisure Program (so don't worry Shannon I will still be here) I have decided that I like to talk to and lead people, I like to be the centre of attention and be the person that knows everything, I love the outdoors and I love adventure, to me this all equates to doing something like being a tour guide...Yes I know it is a far cry from computer networking and I will admit that this is only one nights worth of thought but it is something that I don;t think will go away and is something that I need to decided upon quickly, before I waste another year...
The more I sit and think, the more I ask myslelf, "Is computer networking what I really want to do?" and the more I ask myself that question the more I feel like the answer is no, not necessarily because the answer is no, but because the answer is not yes...I think that whatever you do in life there should be no question of whether or not that is what you want to be doing. So now the question is, what to do now? I have never failed at anything when it comes to my education, I won't allow it. I know that changing my mind isn't failing but it still feels like quitting which is just as bad. I feel like I've wasted a year and I'm afraid to tell my parents because that also means that I've wasted a year of their money...this is what is going to make it difficult to tell them what I think I have decided. I will finish this year, then next year I will be switching to the Rec. and Leisure Program (so don't worry Shannon I will still be here) I have decided that I like to talk to and lead people, I like to be the centre of attention and be the person that knows everything, I love the outdoors and I love adventure, to me this all equates to doing something like being a tour guide...Yes I know it is a far cry from computer networking and I will admit that this is only one nights worth of thought but it is something that I don;t think will go away and is something that I need to decided upon quickly, before I waste another year...
Tuesday, March 02, 2004
Do I send the letter...???
After having a nice little conversation with Shannon at 1:30 this morning I start to wonder whether or not I should send the letter. She seems to think that it makes sence and the more I read it the more I think it does too. Even though it is mostly rambleing I have no desire to edit it and for me that is rare. It's from the heart and honest which is something that i don't often do. I realize that if I went to try to write that letter now that it would come out mush more rigid and edited trying to sugercoat everything. I want him to know how I feel and I think the letter accomplishes that. So here I sit thinking...Do I send the letter...???
After having a nice little conversation with Shannon at 1:30 this morning I start to wonder whether or not I should send the letter. She seems to think that it makes sence and the more I read it the more I think it does too. Even though it is mostly rambleing I have no desire to edit it and for me that is rare. It's from the heart and honest which is something that i don't often do. I realize that if I went to try to write that letter now that it would come out mush more rigid and edited trying to sugercoat everything. I want him to know how I feel and I think the letter accomplishes that. So here I sit thinking...Do I send the letter...???
Letter to a boy who will never read it...
How do I say to you the things that need to be said? I admit when it comes to expressing my feelings I have a difficult time doing it. There is a part of me that I keep very guarded and don’t let anyone see. On the outside everything has to be kept looking perfect. I analyze every word before I say or type it. I think about how what I say will affect a person, I never want to cause a person to feel pain. My mission in life is to create humor and to make people laugh. The last thing I ever want to do is hurt someone, especially you. This is a side of me I’m sure you’ve never seen, that’s because this is a side that is rarely allowed to surface, this is the time that I lay in bed awake for 4 hours because thoughts just rush through my head. Tonight in particular I felt I had to let them out, they just weren’t going away so I sat down and started typing and I'm sure that this probably makes no sense to you at all. And even if it does, whether or not I actually send this is another issue all together. Anyway back to my point, I know you care for me and I know that we share something special, I told you that I’m not ready for a relationship, that is true, but only in part…I do want a boyfriend, someone to talk to and someone to cuddle with but I am not used to the kind of intimacy that comes with a relationship and it scares me. I feel like I’m not worthy of what you are offering, you put yourself out on the line and I cut that line and I am sorry. Why do I do the things I do, I don’t know, I will admit that I think that I just like the attention. I always have to be the centre of attention and it bothers me when I’m not. This causes me to say and do things around people that I don’t necessarily mean thus the reason more and more people describe me as a flirt or to a higher degree a tease. I won’t argue with these because they’re true. So I guess what I’m really trying to say is that I’m sorry, I’m sorry if I hurt you and I’m sorry that I am the way I am and I’m sorry that I just can’t help myself. You are a wonderful person and I care for you so much and I truly do hope that one day soon you find true happiness. Even still I hope to always enjoy your company and your friendship and I hope you understand a little better now. Although thinking back now this is probably just more confusing but it’s late and I have come to realize that I will not be sending this to you. It makes no sense and neither do I. I told you long ago not to try to figure me out because even I don’t have me figured out. Goodnight.
Yours Always,
Lauren
How do I say to you the things that need to be said? I admit when it comes to expressing my feelings I have a difficult time doing it. There is a part of me that I keep very guarded and don’t let anyone see. On the outside everything has to be kept looking perfect. I analyze every word before I say or type it. I think about how what I say will affect a person, I never want to cause a person to feel pain. My mission in life is to create humor and to make people laugh. The last thing I ever want to do is hurt someone, especially you. This is a side of me I’m sure you’ve never seen, that’s because this is a side that is rarely allowed to surface, this is the time that I lay in bed awake for 4 hours because thoughts just rush through my head. Tonight in particular I felt I had to let them out, they just weren’t going away so I sat down and started typing and I'm sure that this probably makes no sense to you at all. And even if it does, whether or not I actually send this is another issue all together. Anyway back to my point, I know you care for me and I know that we share something special, I told you that I’m not ready for a relationship, that is true, but only in part…I do want a boyfriend, someone to talk to and someone to cuddle with but I am not used to the kind of intimacy that comes with a relationship and it scares me. I feel like I’m not worthy of what you are offering, you put yourself out on the line and I cut that line and I am sorry. Why do I do the things I do, I don’t know, I will admit that I think that I just like the attention. I always have to be the centre of attention and it bothers me when I’m not. This causes me to say and do things around people that I don’t necessarily mean thus the reason more and more people describe me as a flirt or to a higher degree a tease. I won’t argue with these because they’re true. So I guess what I’m really trying to say is that I’m sorry, I’m sorry if I hurt you and I’m sorry that I am the way I am and I’m sorry that I just can’t help myself. You are a wonderful person and I care for you so much and I truly do hope that one day soon you find true happiness. Even still I hope to always enjoy your company and your friendship and I hope you understand a little better now. Although thinking back now this is probably just more confusing but it’s late and I have come to realize that I will not be sending this to you. It makes no sense and neither do I. I told you long ago not to try to figure me out because even I don’t have me figured out. Goodnight.
Yours Always,
Lauren
What is Love?
